The first time I realized I didn't belong, was when no one had my last name. My dry sarcasm, or my brunette hair. My aunt would allow me to stay with them, eat with them, and live their lives with them. For weeks I would have family dinners, and do my homework before 7. I took showers at a certain time, I even had my own pill container for daily vitamins. With my three cousins, we were all sisters. I faked my own family. I pretended I was one of them. Until the harsh reality came pounding at my door. The meiners had charm, charisma, and talent. They were always kind hearted, not a mean bone in them. Everything that they did was out of the goodness of their hearts. All of them blonde and beautiful, each possessed a talent, add all of that plus straight A grades equaled the perfect cookie cutter family.
One night, my cousin Maggie gave me two large books, one to study for the SATs and the other was 346 colleges from the princton review. She kept preaching to anyone that could hear about the fundamentals of a good life required education. I completely agreed. In all the books that I've read, I never wanted to be the character who was the dumb witted one. If maggie was a church, she defiantly had me converted. She inspired me to keep going, to keep trying. To find something, and succeed. Which inspired my first mistake. Cheerleading. Which leads me to my next cousin Gracie.
One might wonder how college and cheerleading can be alike but somehow they crossed paths. If making fun of cheerleaders with their short skirts and high pony tails was a sport than I'd be the captain. Nothing made me more annoyed then a fake smile plastered on a girls face, yelling at you to cheer with them about a sport they could care less about, and not know less about. Still, one afternoon during lunch, I came up with an idea. Join Cheerleading. I practiced and even wore the short skirt rimmed with our crimson pride. I cringe everytime I look back at this. First day of practice, my hair had an orange streak in the bottom, for shoes I had converse and I always had my nirvana tee on. Over time, the orange faded, new hair dye was added. Before long I looked like the average brainless teenager. Gracie was my best friend growing up. I always looked forward to our sleepovers, planning days in advance. As we grew up, we grew apart in friendship, and in our choice of activities. She always did sports, that was her thing. I just read, and did stupid things with my friends. When I started to stay at her house, we shared a room. We would stay up for hours at night, making me corrupt her bedtime. I never had one, so this was all new to me. I always envied how bold and outgoing she was, that might have been one of the reasons I was trying to change. In the end, my fake hair and fake smile may have fooled the coaches, but in no way had it fooled me. I quit. And felt fulfillment, in my under achieving ways. As a quitter the only thing to do was drink. Drink my problems away. Which brings me to my last cousin. Abby.
Abby may just be my favorite cousin. When I was young..er I designed a duct tape dress for her to wear in the wearable arts show. No, I was not a hippy protesting against clothes, this was simply a huge classroom project. It even had it's own name, that today still makes all DZ middle schooler's hairs stand up when ever it's said aloud. Ropes is what it was called. Right of passage… was what it stood for, but really to every 8th grader it stood for one thing. Pass this project and you are allowed into the gates of high school, other wise known as a four year hell period full of gossip, drama, and boys with raging hormones. Flunk this, and you might as well get a McDonalds application, because they're the only ones that will let you in if that. When it came down to the day of the show, my aunt told me that abby looked up to me. I was shocked. I didn't believe this until the day abby came to me for help. She was upset, being a 5th grader and not having a boyfriend. Her friends had deemed her uncool and hid from her on the bus. I assured her that those girls will soon realize that friends is what you need in life, but it may take until these boys drop their sorry asses. Of course I said it in a different manner, but the point was clear.
I wish I could stop right here, and tell you my life became a hell of a lot more innocent, and more enjoyable, but that would be lie. If anything, it got worse.
I tried to be independent. With my cockiness, I thought I had even fooled myself. I tried for even more, I tried to be the best. Not the best of me, but the best I thought I should be. I faked a new me, wasting all of my work money on new clothes. Until one night, I stumbled onto the path of crazy ass drunk white girl. I still don't remember that night. But from what everyone kept telling me the next day at school, I had made a complete fool of myself. Black outs save the drunk and stupid from their foolishness to die from embarrassment. I realized, this is not who my little cousin looked up to. I had become just like the girls who hid from her. I was not me, I was trying to put up an act just to get by. I will always regret this, but it just might have saved me from worse, which I know is actually possible. Everyday, I try to act as if abby can see me, see my choices. Would she approve of this girl, is this really me? abby accepted me, with my dry sarcasm, my little kid attitude, and my actions. I will always try to stay the best of me, where ever I go, I have that little girl in my heart, allowing me to love myself the best of my ability.
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